Posted: 17 December,2009 in My Life


A strong word! A strong feeling! A strong emotion.

I have had a few girlfriends in the last 10 years but nothing like the one I just had.

I can’t go in to much detail or the relationship because that would not be fair on the person. I want to writ about my thoughts and feelings.

I was the best boyfriend in the last 5 years in fact I don’t think I have ever been the best boyfriend. I have been described as cold hearted and emotionless. This is not 100% untrue. I stuggle with emotion and feelings some time, especially with someone I care about.

I am still very much hurting from my last relationship and I feel I deserve this hurt! I was never violent and we very early had fights ( well she would say we did but I would say it was a heated discution 🙂 ).

I had everything any guy could have wanted in a relationship. A woman who was kind, caring, intelagent, passionate and loving. She put me first more time than she should and was always there when I needed.

You see my problem is I get something good and then feel I don’t deserve it and destroy what I had.

I find it hard to open up so I bottle everything up ( although some people would say I show feelings very well, this is true but not all my feelings) Untill I exploed. This has happened many times and has been very unfair.

I have not made life very easy for my self and very often my choices in life Have been very unstabe and challenging.
This has caused me to change into someone I’m not. I block out everything important to me and become very selfish.

You can only push someone so far till they crack and that is what I did. I ended my relationship one to may times and as a result I lost everything! I lost the only security in my life, the one person (apart from family) I could depend on and trust.

I orginally ended your relationship because of my insecruty and lack of faith my myself but if I had just stopped and listened to the one person I would have realised that she cared for me no matter what! She didn’t are about what job I did, she didn’t want to be shown off or popular. All she cared about was that we were together and happy. Unfortunatly I was blind and did not see….
And was to late to turn back.

Because of my actions, becase of my blindness I lost someone amazing.

After realising I had made the biggest mistake in my life I then realised that I could have spent the rest of my life with this person.

Because of my actions and the emotions I put the person throw I changed her but some people would say for the best. She became more stronger and more independent and I am glad but u fortunatly I also change the love she had for me.

I dread the day I find out she is with somoeone else but I also know that he would be very lucky.

But for now I have to deal with my feelings and own emotions. Anyone who has loved and lost knows the pain but also knows that one day it will subside. Right now I go throw the parinoia and jelouse but this is normal. It is also something I deserve for the many times I have caused this on her.
I am a strong beilever in Karma. What goes around comes around and I deserve everything I get.

Dream sweet & One day love will come around.

Photograph: a perfect day not just for the married couple.


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